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So Many Ways To Learn Canto!

2010 August 26

As imperial-Mando encroaches on our linguistic liberties, it goes without saying that more and more people who don’t like to be dictated to, want to learn Cantonese.

But many are concerned about time, commitment, pain, the violence ( 63% less than in other courses but still not insignificant.) And many are quite simply physically not in Hong Kong! Those are often the people who buy a book or CD-rom, thinking that owning items pertaining to Cantonese will miraculously transform the owner into a fluent speaker.

Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. However, for people who for some reason can’t or don’t want to take regular lessons,* there are still many ways to learn Cantonese the Natural Way – from a Norwegian.

  • Family Yam Cha Want to learn Cantonese but feel you should spend Saturdays with the family? Take the Cantonese mini-course with food! You sign up for four sessions, to be taken within two months. You and your family spend one and a half hours learning to order food and drinks, some taxi lingo and other important stuff necessary to navigate Hong Kong on ground level. With four sessions and some dedication, as well as enough course material including the learning DVD Cantonese – The Movie, to last you a lifetime, you will be well on your way to study on by yourself. That’s right, by daily conversations with HK people.
  • One week activity Cantonese If you’re just about to start a new job but have a few days to spend wisely before you knuckle down to the 14 hour day, take the intensive, zooming around Hong Kong while learning Cantonese course. Three hours per day for a week, including shopping, getting around, eating and arguing with taxi drivers, including the above course material and DVD. It’s all you need to put you firmly on the path to linguistic glory.
  • Skype Now you can live anywhere in the world and still have the benefit of the Norwegian touch! You get all the course material by email and the rest is like having me in your living room with the added bonus of the violence being zero. You pay for four sessions to be taken within a month and a half, and you’re away. Literally.
  • Guerrilla Cantonese Learn everything you need about drinking in bars and getting around, then immediately rush out on a bar crawl to practise.
  • One Day Crash Course It’s four hours, tops. That’s all you need to  bring you from “zero Cantonese” to “quite a lot of Cantonese.”

Yes, there is something for everybody here at the Happy Jellyfish People’s Democratic Language Bureau.

* normal weekly lessons are still a possibility – they take place in Honolulu Coffee Shop, 33 Stanley street, Central

  • One week activity Cantonese

Cantonese Forever Part II: Big Brother Knows Best

2010 August 20

Some people say – well, so what if Mandarin became the official language (or as the South China Morning Post in its endless contortions to please everybody twists it into, the “official dialect”) of Hong Kong – would it be so bad? After all, Mandarin is so useful and blah blah blah – world language blah di blah. In this video you will see what really happens when government tries to interfere with the way people speak.

Cantonese Forever!

2010 August 10

Wah! So exciting! Here is the true story of what went down in old Guangzhou that fateful day in July.

Language In Symbols

2010 August 6

Tibetan Prayer Flags

Chinese Prayer Flags

Learn By Doing

2010 July 31

Here is Peter (ah-Dak) who’s been taking Canto lessons with me for some months now. When we went on our first trip to Guangdong province together at the end of last year, he immediately went off by himself, saying “being thrown in at the deep end is the best way to learn languages.” His Cantonese improved immeasurably after that, and now he’s swanning around the blessed province every time he gets the chance, picking up Canto like a dog picks up fleas.

However, this particular holiday isn’t in Guangdong, but in the north of China, whose transport hub is Lanzhou, Gansu province. Of course Canto is no good here, so Peter has to learn Mandarin. And above you can see his first lesson: “How to buy plane tickets.” That’s right: Get a phrase book and sit down and jolly well buy the tickets. Learn by doing! It’s the only way. Here he is in another practical exercise: “How to order iced water while wearing sunglasses.”

By the way, there’s a big demonstration today to protect the Cantonese language. I think it’s at 2 in Wan Chai. I can’t get back to HK in time, so can you stand in for me please?

Save Cantonese AND irritate the HK and Chinese governments. That’s what I call an excellent double whammy.

Chanting For Canto

2010 July 25
by cecilie

If I told you I’d been to a demonstration in the mainland with thousands of people but all the police did was put up some barriers and stand around holding hands, would you believe me?

No? I wouldn’t have believed it either. but that’s what happened today in Guangzhou, in a joyous, raucous salute to Cantonese language and culture, screamed out by thousands and thousands of young, (I’d say average age 23, and would have been 20 if I and my two friends hadn’t been there) iPhone waving groovers sick and tired of being dictated to by Beijing.

If I’d been two or three meters tall, I would have been able to capture this scene, unheard of since June 4th, 1989, of young people in peaceful protest against, or rather peaceful fight for, that wondrous entity that is Cantonese. As it was, and despite standing on tiptoe and holding the camera high over my head, I only got other people doing the same. But downtown Guangzhou outside Gong Lam Sai metro station, was just a sea of people. And more and more came pouring in every minute.

The police just didn’t know what to do, but in the end resorted to just saying “This way, please” and stuff. Some of them smiled and laughed. Is this the beginning of something new? But as I said to the journalist: Cantonese makes people more lively. It’s its nature.

Being Canto speakers, we of course joined in the chorus of: Support Cantonese! and: Guangzhou people should speak Guangzhou language! Being the only foreigners there, we were immediately mobbed

swamped, photographed and filmed. And interviewed.

A historic moment and a triumph. I’m telling you now: You haven’t heard the last from the youthful Cantonese movement! It will spread to Hong Kong. Fast.

What A Surprise

2010 July 24

Although it’s written in simplified characters: Cool! As! Bro! 涼!

The Cantonese language is under threat, and people all over Hong Kong and Southern China are banding together to show those Mando imperialists that not everybody wants to be a vassal state to Putong Bloody Hua. Did you know that 普通話, pu tong hua, means “common” or “ordinary” language? When asked if I speak that language I say yes, but don’t like to because it’s “太普通。“ Too ordinary.

So I’m off to tomorrow’s demonstration in Guangzhou together with people, press and photographers. There’s just one thing: The organiser of the demonstration – well, not even demonstration as such, just people standing near each other talking Cantonese in the cradle of Cantonese culture – has been arrested.

What a surprise. So obviously, we’re going anyway. There must be something going on at that 江南西 or was it 江西南 station tomorrow at 5. What’s going on is that about three westerners, at least, will stand at Exit A, speaking loudly in Cantonese, taking photos of each other! Fight for The Glaswegian of Asia! 撐廣東話!

You wish you were going too, right? I know. Here’s a Canto-rap for comfort:

Revenge Of The Cantomentalists

2010 July 17

The debate about Canto rages on. Now mainland officials are weighing in, in an about-turn saying the government would “release a policy outline and new regulations to boost Cantonese cultural heritage.”

So it’s all over then. When the mainland government start boosting heritage, it means lots and lots of concrete, razing to the ground and building fake old, and lots of four-lane motorways leading to it.

Just stay away from Cantonese, okay? It’s a big boy and can look after itself. Just let it be. And whatever you officials are itching to do to further aggrandise yourselves and line your pockets with stolen cash, don’t do it.

But funnily enough, this whole debacle has been beneficial for me, because after some interviews in Chinese language papers, my YouTube channel has been swamped with views. The latest one, The Dudes, The Sad and The Envy, has had 5000 more views now than it did yesterday morning. So, excellent! All the viewers are young Chinese people who picked up the link in a popular internet forum, and they leave comments like: “A foreigner cares more about our language than local people do! Embarrassing!”

It was yesterday’s interviewer from Apple Daily who told me about next Sunday’s demonstration in Guangzhou

July 25th, 5pm, Jiang Nan Xi metro station exit A, wear something white. I think we should go! I think we should all go! Well, I’m definitely going.

Down with linguistic imperialism!

What do we want? CANTO! When do we want it? NOW!

CCP, CCP, how many languages did you kill this wee …k?

That’ll definitely be my first demonstration on mainland soil (although I have written self-criticism on two occasions) and I’m really looking forward to it. If you care about Canto, come along!

The Day Had To Come …

2010 July 14

… when one of my victims spake up. I was just sitting around writing a blog entry the other day when: Wallop! Kristian, who’s currently in Norway working on the Norwegian Coastal Express (Hurtigruta) and who has been studying business economics in Hong Kong for a year, popped up in my gmail chat window.

“You should tell people what they are going to be talking about in any given lesson. People like to feel safe, knowing what’s going to happen.”

I realised he was right. I’ve been too solipsistic in my dealings with students; basing my lessons on what I would have liked to learn if I were a victim (student) learning Cantonese…

When I first started teaching Cantonese, I thought everybody would be like me; that they, armed with some new words of this wonderful language, would immediately rush out, gagging to practise what they’d learnt on any innocent passer-by. Then I realised that not everybody is like me.

People! remember this: Most problems in this world originate from one thing and one thing only: People being under the insane illusion that other people think exactly the same way as they themselves do.

This epiphany had actually happened (struck me) years ago when I was teaching “corporate” (yeah right) Cantonese to some Swiss people. “We want drills!” they complained, after I had taken them to several bars, expecting them to practise their newly acquired Cantonese on bar people and customers. After all, that was how I had learnt it.

“We want drills!” “We want exercises!” All right, so I made drills and exercises. They loved it. So, after a few sessions of drills, which they loved, praising me for making it seem so easy, I naturally said: “Now you can go out and communicate with Chinese people!

And did they? Hell, no. What they wanted was to sit in a room, a corporate meeting room in fact, 37 floors above street level, doing drills. When faced with a REAL Chinese person, they immediately slipped into much more comfortable (for them) English.

Since then, I’ve been making drill follow-ups to every “practical Cantonese as spoken in markets, taxis, bars and restaurants” with the same result. “We love these drills! Give us more drills!” only to see students (victims) right in front of my face, turning around to the lowliest non English-speaking waiter in the cheapest cha chanteng, saying (in English) Could I possibly trouble you for a cup of milk tea … old chap? (Okay. Not “old chap.” But you get my drift.)

They are my customers so I must do what they want. And what hundreds of my customers have wanted is this: “Is there a CD-rom or DVD I could buy to learn Cantonese?” So many people said that that I was compelled to make the DVD they had been clamouring for: Cantonese – The Movie.

Do you think they bought it? Some did. But do you think they watched it? No.

“We need real, live lessons to force us to learn Cantonese” was the cry after they had bought and not watched the DVD.

So I’m back at the famous 第一號方。 Number One Square.

When I, this week, tried to implement Kristian’s idea of telling people what was going to happen in the lesson, however, it was met with great applause. So he was right. And I will do that from now on.

He then went on to say I should “write a textbook in Cantonese.” Fine. Maybe I will do that too. But I must mention here that I’ve already written about 700 pages of Cantonese learning material. Anyone who signs up for my Canto-course gets these pages sent by email; we talk about what’s in the text, analyse it, then go on to – practical use.

That’s right: using what you’ve learnt on Chinese people.

No?

You see, people, as much as I agree on following a plan, having some kind of discipline in the learning environment and doing millions of drills: As long as you’re not willing to take things to the next and natural level, which is “Actually talking to Chinese people in their own language, ” it doesn’t matter how marvellous my or anyone else’s course is.

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, in your life you’ve learnt so far, you’ve learnt by DOING. Whether it’s swimming, driving or knitting; it doesn’t matter how many millions of books you’ve read on the subject. Only one thing will catapult you from knowing hundreds, thousands or millions of facts about that subject and actually knowing it, and that’s DOING.

All right, so I will write the Cantonese textbook. The bet is on! But then I also have the right to expect, next time one of the readers of that textbook is faced with a normal Chinese in a normal setting, for example being in a restaurant, ordering a cup of tea, that he or she will order that particular cup of tea IN CHINESE.

Is that too much to ask?

Another Nail in the Canto Coffin

2010 July 8

Ahhrghhhh … When I set out to make Cantonese a world language, I was mostly concerned with Hong Kong and its people – the way they look down on Cantonese (their own language!!!) calling it a “street language” a “dialect” and advising foreigners to “learn Mandarin instead.”

After the handover in 1997 though, I’ve noticed that the written Cantonese has been gaining ground, being increasingly used in adverts, as captions and headlines in newspaper and magazine articles, and when quoting interview objects.

What I didn’t realise – or rather, not didn’t realise but didn’t see as quite so urgent, was that the central government has been working steadily, openly as well as behind the scene, to eradicate Cantonese completely.

I got my first inkling of this a few years ago when I walked into my local branch of HSBC and was greeted by a bint whose job it was to stand at the entrance going “Ni hao ma!” to everyone who entered and sporting a big badge saying “Promote the usage of Putonghua!” Here I was in Hong Kong, whose official language is Cantonese, being talked to in a different language by a local person with whom I had been communicating in Cantonese for years, just because an edict had come from on high that everyone in the bank should be quacking in awful Mando for the whole month.

That’s when I opened an online HSBC account.

A month or so ago I mentioned here how the authorities have been destroying the older areas of Guangzhou to “celebrate” (or whatever) yet another grandiose sports event on the mainland: The Guangzhou Asian Games. That’s only to be expected; after all there’s nothing like a sports event to spur the mainland government on to undertake city destruction on an enormous scale.

But now it gets worse. Much worse. Last week I was interviewed on the phone by Ming Pao, a Chinese language newspaper in Hong Kong, about my views on the eradication of the Cantonese language. For behold: To “enhance” “national” “harmony” etc. (I’m running out of inverted commas) – the government has decided to close down Cantonese language TV and radio stations. I was too shocked to speak coherently to the poor journalist; I think the gist of what I managed to gurgle forth was “Kill them all!!!”

Yesterday this monumental piece of news finally found its way into English language stalwart the South China Morning Post.

I quote the article in its entirety:

“Cantonese is in trouble in its birthplace.

Already threatened by the influx of migrant workers to Guangdong and unfavourable government policies, the ancient dialect is the target of a recent proposal to switch the language of prime-time TV programmes in Guangzhou to Putonghua as November’s Asian Games approach.

This has triggered a new round of the debate in the province about “cultural strife”: just how much must local ways of life be given up in the name of national unity?

Guangzhou’s People’s Political Consultative Conference submitted a proposal to the local government on Monday urging the city’s main television station, Guangzhou Television (GZTV), to stop broadcasting in Cantonese and switch to Putonghua in prime time on its main channels, the Nanfang Daily reported yesterday.

GZTV has nine channels, and most of its programmes are broadcast in Cantonese – spoken primarily by people in Guangdong, Hong Kong, Macau and some parts of the Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region . It is also widely spoken by overseas Chinese around the world.

The proposal says GZTV should use only Putonghua on its two main channels, to cater for Putonghua-speaking visitors and athletes at the Asian Games. (My italics, as are those below) The idea met with strong opposition from Guangzhou residents. But GZTV has decided to go ahead.

Mainland media quoted an unidentified GZTV executive as saying that although some concessions would be made to Putonghua on the two main channels, not much would change overall, as the idea was not popular in the areas to which GZTV broadcasts most.

The Guangzhou PPCC’s own survey last month shows more than 80 per cent of the 30,000 respondents – two-thirds Cantonese-speaking and one-third Putonghua-speaking – opposed the official plan to switch to Putonghua in TV programmes.

When GZTV previously switched some programmes to Putonghua, ratings dropped and it was forced to switch back to Cantonese.

Still, the proposal called for more Putonghua programmes.

With 110 million people, Guangdong has rapidly become the most populous province. But most of the recent increase has been migrant job-seekers, and now half its residents do not speak Cantonese.

Guangzhou, the provincial capital, once spearheaded the mainland’s economic reform. But rivals such as Shanghai and Beijing have caught up and even surpassed it. The dialect seems strange to outsiders.

So local authorities see the Asian Games as a chance to remake Guangzhou’s image and reaffirm its status as one of the mainland’s key cities.

But the cultural preservationists have a voice – a loud one. Some have called for the protection of the dialect, in thousands of online posts against the proposal. They say regional dialects are being swamped by the relentless tide of Putonghua.

There is a two-pronged attack on Cantonese – internal migration on the one hand, and the government policy of a “common language for a unified country and harmonious society” on the other, says Jiang Wenxian , a Chinese-language specialist at Sun Yat-sen University.

The 1982 constitution enshrined Putonghua as the official language. Beijing’s resolve to ensure all Chinese speak it has led to bans on dialects at many radio and television stations. Television stations in Guangdong are allowed to broadcast in Cantonese only because of the proximity of the province to Hong Kong.

“It is national policy to promote Putonghua,” Jiang said. “The government will not stop us from promoting local culture, but it is not going to support us. Guangzhou now boasts 14 million residents, and half of them are new settlers and do not speak any Cantonese.”

But the city’s residents who do, such as clerk Luo Bihua , advocate peaceful coexistence.

“All young people in Guangzhou can speak Putonghua. But the dialect presents the Canton culture. We have to support and use it in daily life,” she said. “There are already dozens of television stations broadcasting in Putonghua on the mainland.

“Please let us enjoy our culture in our hometown.” “

Bastards! But this is not unexpected. While hiding under a cloak of “openness” (reporting outbreaks of deadly diseases only a few months after it became clear they couldn’t be hidden) and a new-found kindness (premier Wen Jiabao patting children on the head and shedding tears during the Sichuan earthquake in 2008) the communist party has never stopped consolidating its grip on power. Many say it has never been more powerful and had more deep-reaching control of what’s going on in the mainland than now.

So it must irk them no end that there are millions of people who, right under their noses, keep speaking a language unintelligible for the dyed-hair, black-suited brigade in Zhongnanhai. Yes of course, many Cantonese speakers are communist party members. But Guangdong has always been a rebellious province going its own way. And that’s dangerous in China.

Now, if everyone were to speak Mandarin and only that, think how much easier it would be to keep them in check?

And so, armed with the excuse of “national harmony” the government has continued its relentless drive to bring everybody to heel. Inner Mongolia, Xinjiang and Tibet, wherever there are Han Chinese, the local people have been forced to learn Mandarin or else.

Now the dreary power-mongers  have cast their hungry eyes on the last outpost of non-conformity: Guangdong.

Only a naive person will believe that this shutting down of the Cantonese-speaking media is for the “benefit” of outsiders during the Asian Games. When the games are over, of course the Mandarin prime time broadcasts will stay firmly in place; then eating their way into the non- prime time slots as well, until there is no Cantonese language broadcasts in the province.

And when that is done, guess what: Hong Kong will be next.

With our dear un-elected useful idiots at the helm, don’t you think we’ll see ever more “Speak Mandarin, you know you want to” campaigns, cloaked in “useful” “good for the economy” “compete with Shanghai” “win-win” meaningless drivel.

Soon we will also, like the mainland, have trains called “Harmony” and Hong Kong government officials singing the praises of dull, un-inventive, communist speech-making, imperialist Mandarin.

Many Hong Kong people have been actively trying to get rid of Cantonese for years, without really being able to speak Mandarin. It used to be English that was top of these self-hating weaklings’ list, now it’s Putong Bloody Hua.

This kind of linguistic and cultural imperialism used to work well in the 18th and 19th centuries.
Nowadays, people know well that just because you can learn to speak one language doesn’t mean you have to ban/look down on/belittle your own.

I’m Norwegian. I learnt English, German and French at school. When I came to China, I learnt Mandarin first, and then Cantonese. Does that mean I should get rid of Norwegian???

What are these people ON?? Oh, I know what. A total power trip.

But it won’t work. Cantonese people in Guangdong will, if anything, crank up the Canto. The more stations that get shut down, the more they will speak their wonderful, ancient but always fresh, vibrant and totally cool language.

For that’s what those fuckers up north have against Cantonese, apart from the fact that it irks them so that they can’t understand it and therefore won’t know if someone is plotting against them, isn’t it.

Cantonese is cool and happening; something Mandarin hasn’t been since 1949.